---
Suvi: sort of :D  but no one's ever complained to me about that.. :D

Minh: i wouldn't either hahah

Suvi: so you could just take advantage of me, lol :p

Minh: hey...that sounds wrong
Minh: really wrong

Suvi: whoops
Suvi: I didn't mean it like that!

Minh: hahahaha

---

Context: we were talking about cleaning and the fact I like cleaning and my friend doesn't  exactly enjoy it... =)

I was a mess but I thought I would get over you. I even smiled again. My eyes didn't cry anymore and I started feeling happy again.

Why can't you realise I only get worse when you do this to me?

This way I will never be able to let go. You're not letting me. Everything I thought I knew, even treasured, suddenly comes crashing down. Why can't you just let me be? Why can't you let me have time to get over you?

You were the first person I allowed close, closer than anyone else. You destroyed it, destroyed me as well. And now you won't let me heal when you do these things to me.

I pretend I know things can't be the way they were but it gets harder every single time.

I treasured the moment I thought was our last. It was important to me, it was helping me heal. I was able to even think of myself in a change.

If you don't want to let go of me, then say it straight to me. Don't destroy me doing what you're doing now.

Surely you know I still love you and yet you keep doing these things to me... Please, let me go. Even if I don't want you to. I want to stop loving you.

I want to be myself again.

"Lucifer"

"Only One"

---

"1 Litre of Tears"

But oh well. I figured it's best to *try* at least. Without trying it'd be pointless to say these things, right? And without trying you never accomplish anything, a life not lived etc. It's just hard and scary because if you're used to failing you start expecting them. And if you expect a fail, it usually happens. Maybe this time I won't fail, like I have so many times before...

"Show me the meaning of being lonely", it's what I want to feel just now. Maybe I should start watching 1 Litre of Tears again. And that show literally means one litre of tears, at least in my case and from what I have heard in other people's case, too. =) And I recommend it to everyone! Even if you're not a fan of Japanese drama this show exceeds everyone's expectations. 

"To be alone with you..."

I haven't really been writing so much but  today is a rather 'special' day and I suppose that made me wanna write again. I've made a friend out of an old friend. ;D But at the same time I lost another friend and I've been all bummed up about it for the last couple of days... My other friend said, "Why can't we all just be friends" but apparently it doesn't work like that. I miss my friend but I respect his decision of staying away from me... I hope we can be friends again later, if he forgives me. (Well, he didn't say he's angry with me but "disappointed." Yeah, thanks.)

Anyway, I wanna think about something nicer now. Today I drove in a city for the first time, in Rovaniemi to be exact, and before it was my turn to drive me and my friend Outi decided to do some shopping. So we ended up going through all these shops, we bought earrings and then there was this shop, Click. They sold shoes there. And I ended up buying high heels for 30€. >_< I must be crazy or something the heels were 10cm! But they cost 70€ without the discount so I just had to buy them.

On another note, the driving went good, too, so all's well that ends well. :P I just can't believe I actually bought these... I might upload some pictures of them later. :3

On Saturday there's a 'manga day' here in Pello. I'm going to dress up as Faith from Mirror's Edge. I wonder how people will react to my make up. :D I uploaded one picture of the make up on Facebook and people seemed to like it, actually. So I hope it all goes well and hope that it's not too cold on Saturday! Otherwise I'm gonna freeze to death. >_> I might have to take some thicker clothes with me to school... Oh well, we'll see I suppose. :)

Well, I don't really have anything else to say right now and I should be doing my homework as it is, anyway.

Laters!

P.S. Oh yeah! I'm this week's second on Filler, you can see my name there on Facebook. XD Awesome. (It 'only' took 5 hours to get so many points, anyway...)

"Day After Day"

Well, this is gonna be a rather short text tonight cos I have a severe headache and I'm really tired already. I just need to straighten my thoughts again and think about some stuff...

First of all, I recently were in the hospital for a few days. I had physical at school the other day and the school nurse took a blood sample from me. It said that my hemoglobin was 60 and at that point I shouldn't have even been standing on my feet anymore cos normally a person's hemoglobin should be over 120. (The last time they had taken a blood sample from me my hemoglobin had been 131!) So I was sent to a hospital in Rovaniemi and had a blood transfer there. My blood type is AB- which is the rarest one in the whole world so I was lucky they found blood for me. Haha, and I still have bruises on my arms from all the blood samples they took from me.

Although I am fine now and I have my medication I'm still a bit worried... Well, a lot actually cos the doctors suspected that I may have coeliac disease. And I have many of the symptoms, too, which indicate to the possibility of coeliac disease. I talked about it with my mum the other day and she told me more about the disease. If I have it I won't be able to eat salmiac or licorice anymore..! And that's just fucked up I think. Mum said I shouldn't worry about it too much but I can't help thinking about it. The nurse at the hospital said they will send me a letter within two weeks once they get the result from the tests whether I have the disease or not... It just makes me miserable thinking about it, I don't want to be sick in any way. But we'll see I guess and hope for the best. *fingers crossed*

Well, some happier thoughts now. A few weeks ago we got a puppy! Her name is Taiga and she's a Karelian Bear Dog. A really sweet dog although she's so stubborn it's lol. But I like it. ^^ I might upload pictures of it here later.

Oh! And some other good news I almost forgot. I got a new mp3 player! I'm really loving it, haha. 2GB Creative Zen Stone Plus. It's so small and cute and it even shows Japanese+Chinese+Korean characters! How awesome is that, my old mp3 player (512MB) didn't even show letters like ä, ö or ñ ;; Hehe, but anyways. I've been listening to Joseph Arthur's song Honey and the Moon on loop for days now. I love this song so much, so calm and the lyrics are so touching.

"But right now
everything is turning blue,
and right now
the sun is trying to kill the moon"

I just love this part so much. Also the first verse, "Don't know why I'm still afraid; if you weren't real I would make you up now." Haha, guess I'm feeling really sensitive now, who knows. But this song has got to be my favourite because I love it no matter what my mood is.

Well, I think I'll go sleep now... We have had so many guests here these days I am completely worn out. My cousin's kids who were here last night (left today) were really cute and all --two girls, one 11 and one 8 years old-- but I am just so tired these days. Though it might be due to the severe anemia too, who knows. Anywhos, I'll head off to bed now.

Ja ne!

"I'm seriously going to smash you so hard,
it will be a new form of crime!"

So. Another day has passed by and I'm typing this in the middle of the night. -3- Well, today was a good day for me cos me and dad went swimming to the pool in Pajala! That's a small village in Sweden. And luckily today they had this offer that pupils (the school students, not the things you have in your eyes XD) can go swimming for free! Of course I'm not a pupil anymore but we told to the lady that I am so I got in for free. How pwnage is that! I think we were there for over an hour and I also think I have been to sauna for 4 times today ;; Because before I went swimming I took a sauna (I love the sauna at the swimming hall! It's so big +_+) and then after half an hour or so me and dad got both really cold so we went to sauna again ... And we went back swimming and after we decided it was time to leave cos we were both really knackered we went to sauna again. Haha, and because we had both forgotten to take shampoo with us we had to take another sauna at home, too. Sauna for 4 times = a very good day, eh? :D Oh, and I also met some people I know from my village. It was so funny when one of the boys went, "Hey T***, I think I know that girl!" I laughed on the inside so much but I didn't let them talk to me cos I just wanted to swim in peace. :3

Even though today was a good day I'm still feeling a bit sad about yesterday. Well, sad plus disappointed. It's hard to explain but ... Hmm, sometimes I just feel a bit worthless. What some people do - I know it's not my fault and I shouldn't feel sorry or disappointed about these things but it's hard not to. -3- Too sensitive? Maybe so but that's what I am and always will be. *hoppin* Enough about that though cos I don't want to think about it anymore. And the 'it' I'm referring to could be counted as C*NTS.

I've downloaded all of Kino's Journey! YA-HA! I love that anime so so much. It's very philosophical and makes you really think about some things, "What if that were true?" etc. My friend recorded a Kino's Journey marathon to a video cassette but how unlucky is this, she fell asleep during the marathon so she couldn't change the tape so she only got like the first 6 episodes. :| Anyways, I watched the anime then (though only the 6 episodes) and I just fell in love. Silly me because I didn't realize to download it earlier. -o- I've watched all the episodes now, a few of them several times and I still love the anime. ^^ I think everyone should watch this anime but unfortunately I think most people probably just can't be bothered to watch it ... And that's just wrong.

I just realized that after all this thinking I forgot to mention that I'm on a vacation now! :3 It's called Skiing Vacation in Finnish but I guess it's Sports Vacation - or something along those lines - in English. At least that's what it is in Swedish. o_O' Anyways, because of the vacation I've been able to go swimming now and dad said we might go to this other swimming hall tomorrow (today?), too. I love swimming more than any other sport there is so I think these days are gonna be much fun. I guess Skiing Vacation is more like Swimming Vacation to me.

Oh dear, I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. I'm not actually worried but I am ... well, concered about what the dentist will say because I don't have my braces anymore. I was really annoyed one day so I tore my braces off. ^^' It hurt a bit but I have really enjoyed my time without the braces and I don't think my teeth are wonky or anything. And besides, they haven't sent me any notice in the last effin year that, "Hey, you have an appointment to the dentist!" Wtf! Usually there was only two or three months tops between my check-ups. Well, I guess I'll just have to tell them they fell off or something like that ... Hopefully they'll buy it. :'D

Well, I guess I should end this rant now. I'll probably continue my night by listening to music (Clazziquai - Love Mode ft. Tablo, atm ♡) and watching some anime. So long!

"Pinch Your Soul"