A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I forgot I had an account here so I haven't been able to write anything... I stumbled on it tonight and thought I need to write again.

I don't really know what to do now. It's a chilly Sunday night, we only have tomorrow left of summer vacation. Then -it- starts. Yeah, high school 2nd year. I really don't want to go back to school and see all those bastards again. Hear those voices I thought I had escaped from for eternity. My first year of high school wasn't so bad because so many people left to another schools and all... But this time. Phht, the high school building has to be renovated because there's mold and we high schoolers basically have to go back to middle school building... So I will see all those faces again, those who made me hate myself, the weak persona I have. I don't think those people knew how much those little words hurted me when I just shook it off and then cried when no one saw. One time I snapped when one of those people was trying to bully a friend of mine. And he ran away, scared. That felt so damn good. Oh well, we'll see what happens after Tuesday when school actually does start.

And about Him. He broke the promise he made to me. I couldn't believe it, after 8 months he started lying to me more and more. Just to avoid talking. Why? Was it too hard for him? Or was I trying too hard ... I don't know. He wasn't enough to tell me why. I still miss him though. Sometimes I see his picture and it all comes back to me. Talking hours and hours late to night, how we would wait for each other and realize the other one was waiting the whole time, all the things we did for each other, all the love songs he made for me, all the presents I made for him... I still remember the first time I ever even spoke to him, my hands were shaking and I was all thrilled just to be able to talk with him. Why did it have to stop? Or maybe I was just naive to love him so much. I wanted to be embraced by his strong arms, just to feel safe. Maybe it was too much, I don't know. Maybe he was playing with me the whole time and doesn't even remember me anymore, I really don't know. Honestly, I don't even want to know. All I know is I sincerely loved him. If he sees this text I hope he recognizes himself. Probably he won't, but I just want him to know I never lied to him, like he did to me. Even though he lied, I still loved him ... Naive?

Maybe I'm cursed. I met this boy recently ... I used to like him more than anyone else. He was always nice to me and everyone told us we should be together, but I never believed them, I don't want to be together with him. Just the other night he tried to kiss me, but I turned him down. It was too scary. I have always been just watching from the side when other girls my age found boyfriends and had fun with them. I always thought I will end up dying alone and the thought of living alone was comforting to me. Then there would be no one who would be able to hurt me. Maybe love and hurt can't be separated from each other, who knows.

What else is there to talk now. I know this became a really huge entry because I haven't written in such a long time I have many things to talk about. Well, I've been listening to ELLEGARDEN a lot recently. Their songs are just awesome, especially Perfect Days.

"We never are the saints
But we don't wanna hide
There are many things that are out of our control
Just don't lose your smile
Though someone puts you down
'Cause that is what I love
Give them the middle finger
All we have to say is "We will never be like you""

Now I have to go since my brother wants to watch a movie with me. Till next time! o/