Yahhoo!

 

Okay, long time no see. \o/ I wonder why I always come here to talk about things no one ever reads. Well, actually I don't wonder it. I think I need this when I'm thinking my deepest thoughts, to get some things and thoughts straight. Maybe it'll be interesting to see later what I have thought and why... I dunno. *shrugs*

 

After that little "introduce" I should probably get straight to my topics of this evening. Sounds like I'm a news reporter or something to that matter... I'm feeling a bit bleh (yet again) after all the things that have happened. Firstly, people always go "New year; this year I'll be a better person, this year will be different, this year something good will happen!" Well fuck that. New year (especially the New Year's Eve) is merely a day among others, it's just something that humans have decided to be the day when the year changes. Yay. It's the same with birthdays. "How do you feel now when you're X years old?" The fuck? People don't just suddenly turn adults over one night (I'm talking about the 18th birthday). Growing, turning years happens slowly, subtly. And these questions and celebrations annoy me.

 

Even if I'm ranting about this all my New Year's Eve was really nice to be honest. I spent some time on the computer, I had a really nice sauna and we shot some fire works with my parents. As a day it was nice, I admit that. And I enjoyed the fact I could be alone most of the time. I don't really like human contact these days so I'm often royally tired at school because of all the people there.

 

That is a nice donkey's bridge (sorry, I like the Finnish idiom more than the English one) to my other subject. I sleep all the time! The other day I slept 3 hours after I got home from school and I slept again at 11 PM when I went to bed again. So basically I was awake the school day + 5 hours at home. I truly wonder whether this has something to do with my health or is it just the people and school that take so much of my energy that I can't help but sleep. Oh well.

 

All this leads to my final subject(s) of today... I'm supposed to meet my friend tomorrow but I don't really know if I want to go there. I regard weekends as my "own time" when I can be by myself without a lot of human contact. Well, I guess it'll be nice to see my friend again, I haven't seen her in yonks. And it's only one night, too. *shrugs* At least I'll have a long weekend after our exam week starts. Exam week starts on Monday (26th) and I'll have Swedish, History, Maths and German in that order and my Friday will be a day off then. ^^ I'll have my Psychology exam on the following Monday but I don't think that will be too hard.

 

And my last subject. I actually would like to say something about The Senior Ball we'll have next month but I think I'll write about that later. I'm want to talk about distrust. I don't trust people much anymore. Every single day I have to go through this mantra in my head that I won't collapse if/when something bad happens. I know it sounds bad and I don't think this will do any good for me to keep thinking that the worst will happen. I don't know why, maybe it's because this person I trust the most keeps failing, doing things that make me trust him less. I want to tell this person that the things he does hurt me a lot but I never get my mouth open. People have said that I'm a "brave speaker" but I feel it's quite the contrary. When the question is about myself, something that hurts me, it makes so scared that I can't say a word, just smile like nothing's wrong. I have so many times thought I should learn to defend myself but I always keep myself from getting so anrgy that I would actually say something. And I keep apologizing even if I haven't done anything wrong. I know I shouldn't do that but I can't stop it. Maybe I don't want to, I don't know really. All I know is that when something bad finally does happen I won't cry and I won't show any emotion. I think it's a good way to protect myself like that. :)

 

Oh well, after all this rant I guess I should change into my pajamas and start doing this Power Point presentation for History class. I should tell about the Finnish president Mannerheim. A tough guy. :3

 

So long!

 

"STRONGER!"